Old Stuff #3

"Match.com is nothing more than free nachos."

Originally Posted by BK.

Today in my inbox I got one of the worst reminders of my two month stint on popular dating website, match.com. They told me that I had sparked the interest. Of a lady. I don’t think I marked anywhere that I was interested in ladies, so the first thought that popped into my head was “dear lord, even match.com has given up on finding me a man.”

I took the plunge into the exciting world of online dating a few months ago. I joined mostly because Washington, DC is a big place and I was tired of meeting dudes at bars or through friends or when they were the captain of my kickball team or when they missed connectioned me on craigslist.

At first it was really fun. As people who know me will confirm, the main way to impress me right off the bat is to tell me I’m pretty. And man, if you want people to tell you you are pretty, you should probably join match.com because so many creepy people who are 50 or live in Florida or have 3 kids and not a real job will send you emails telling you how hot you are.

I went on a few dates with guys who were boring and two inches shorter than what they said on their profiles. As I got discouraged, my roommate (K) told me what soon became my match.com mantra, “Think of all these dates you’re going on as a never-ending supply of free nachos.” And that is what I did. I went on dates and made the boys buy me nachos.

What you quickly realize on a site like match.com is that every dude is the same. Seriously. Their profiles all say the same things, some variation of “I’m a laid back kinda guy. I like to go out with my friends, but sometimes I like to stay in and watch movies. I like to travel.” Well thank you for that glimpse into the inner workings of your soul. Congratulations, you’ve described the interests of essentially everyone in the world.

So I quit. And match.com is super passive aggressive when you quit. Like they ask you about 40 times if you’re sure you want to quit, and then they make you fill out this questionnaire about why you’re quitting. Like “Why did you not like any of the men that were presented as matches?” They didn’t have real reasons like “all their profiles were the same” or “they were midgets” or “they lived 45 minutes away from me” or “they have children.” The choice they actually had was “It’s just me. I’m too picky.” Apparently a 23 year old woman in a big city is too picky if she wants to date a non-boring guy over 5’8” who doesn’t have children or live in Baltimore. Who knew.

And so they try to lure me back with emails about people who are interested in my profile which is apparently still up. Maybe showing me to the ladies is a last ditch effort to get me back. Maybe they hope it will spark some curiosity in me that has always been hidden or something. Mostly it just made me snarky. And also made me crave nachos.